Monday, 18 May 2009

Yellow Shoes

I was thinking I would only start writing here again when I feel 'myself' again, when things I write won't tend towards melancholic outpour. But I am still myself, I didn't go on holiday, I didn't have a sex change, I'm not ill and I'm not drunk. I am myself still (so would all these options be). So there's no reason to stop as I might never start. Perhaps just keep an eye on the progress and rein myself when it gets too Cosmo.

I have been repeating myself lots. I have been told about it, but I've not realised. The sense is disordered in a way. Perhaps I have been trying to hold on to my sense, but then forgetting who I have told it to, then telling the same person twice. I'd rather be kicked sooner rather than later so I don't spend all that time feeling stupid. People listening to my stories politely, thinking, she's already said this.

I think you only put stupidity upon yourself. One feels stupid. People can jibe, but one feels stupid. Not a very productive feeling. I am typing this now and my hands are fizzy, as though I can feel fizziness running through, as though I haven't slept too well, and I am still running. I guess that thing I said the other day about sleep being restorative. It does reset the brain to deal with new problems, but with somehting of this proportion it takes more than a cycle to reset. Does one ever reset? Or a longer cycle.

I am in waves, I forget, and feel proud for forgetting, and then I remember suddenly and everthing comes on in waves, I am shaking and I feel sick and my limbs go pins/needles to numb. My hands are doing that now, which is strange as I never said to my hands, 'I'm getting upset, go numb', they just came over with it. I am glad I held it together at work. It would've been good to completely wallow but the situation, again see, isn't a Cosmo one, it's a lot more melancholic (again) than that. Conventions are cliches and I need a new mode.

I want to go back to bed right now, more than anything. Not even in a 'I can't face the day' way, more like, I need to reset and recalibrate. This presentation is going to be awful. I'm not feeling interested or at all lyrical. I walked past Harrods yesterday and saw the Falke socks in the back and got a little 'wow I like Falke socks', but it passed as we walked and I haven't got it since. Music is too fast, words are too heavy, food is too big. Outfits seem impossible, they aren't new enough, they are repeats of old and not what I want. Almost like I want a new world all together.

I apologise that the posts will most likely not be as interesting as of late (if they ever were), as I am not feeling quite myself. I did just think though that only passionate people get this upset, so I just need to wait quietly for it is shift back round. I might buy the yellow shoes today.

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