Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Wasting Time?

Just starting to feel like intellectualising things is a bit much. I do feel feral. Like, I need to eat, do, love and be loved, sleep and all these other base, un-evolved things. I could have just slept on the beach for a week. Not out of lazyness, just out of pure enjoyment, like an animal basking in the sun. I am on the hunt for fun, for engagament, for things to connect with people on. Guards are dropped, importance is shifting. I want reality. It was interesting that thing he said about ability, and ability being hampered. It wasn't a negative connotation, more like, this is my potential, this is the point where I am, on like 40% of my potential, so in a way I am dis abled. It's not bad, it's just I'm not as good as I can be.

You should know that I started this post almost twelve hours ago. I am switched off. I am floating and I don't feel connected to anything, like I'm almost just existing. Whilst last week I felt like a hardback book with the pages all blank, this week I feel like an unraveled thing, like the centre of a pass the parcel, as though I am new and small and don't have any context. Unraveled. Those two feelings are quite polar in a way. One is me as a shell with my insides missing, the other is a strong little thing without its resistance to the world, yet. Like a small dinosaur out of it's egg. The middle of a kinder egg. lots of egg analogies.

My memory has gone terrible. Where before I really was aware of its fleeting nature, but didn't have to deal with it, I am finding myself in conversations saying, 'I'm sorry, I can't remember right now'. What did I just pick up from the car boot sale, just now? Well, a skirt that needs adjusting and, and...er I can't remember right now because I am making a cup of tea and I can't seem to multitask. So understandably writing is difficult. I have to think of what to say and what to type AT THE SAME TIME. This is normally a subconscious act, but so is memory recall. I am a bit ill.

I think the programme about mental health at work was very interesting. I like that woman that offered her staff 'duvet days', as if you know they are available, you'll probably want to be strong. Just like if I knew I had someone to hug me in the house, I could just get on with working, but because there isn't anyone, I really want for it. Anyway I think all the health labels are very interesting. They are modern tags for symptoms that are evolving and no-one really gets the brain so we have to label things to make sense of them. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps there are actual chemical, as opposed to physical, definitions of all the brain's afflictions. But it's harder to make it real as it's not something you can point to and prove.

So I spent all day getting rid of stuff, so I have places and money for new stuff. My gut instinct on the visual is a bit off, kind of nothing looks, right, nothing really matters outside of my coping. That's worrying in a way, but it happend before a few years ago when I stopped buying things, stopped caring about how I looked quite so much, because if my course was going wrong what did it matter if I was tonally perfect? I probably didn't look too bad but it didn't sing. It was about the point where I started making whole cakes for one, freezing them, and eating portions night by night, microwaved with cream. I mention this as I found myself in Iceland today thinking frozen food is ok. It's very not ok. Ironic fish fingers are one thing but chicken dippers are quite another.

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