This feels like the point where I'm going to grab it by the neck and go, no, you're not dragging me down, I'm going to change and get better. Somehow. I can't quite picture it right now. IT involves a new haircut. It involves being slightly more lithe. I don't know how I shall achieve lithe, but I shall. At the moment I have lost weight and become an under-worked shape of limbs and ligaments, bits of body hung off other bits, wanting to be strong and whole.
I am going to start climbing, I am going to continue ballet, I am going to start swimming in a bikini and get some vitamin D. I am going to go to lindy hop at the 100 club. I am going to wear hats. I want to become a strong whole thing, with a strong brain to top it off. I want to look good and feel good. I don't know how to do this right now, I can't really picture the new. I can't imagine what I can be like. It was like when I was young and got asked, what do I want to be when I grow up, and I answered 'I don't know what there is'. If I only have my own frame of reference, I don't really know what there is.
I remember when the other girls went to dancing on a Saturday, and I went to Brownies on a Monday. I remember being jealous but just accepting that some people have some things and others have others. It never occurred to me to beg my parents to let me go dancing on a Saturday. I just didn't realise I had options. Or maybe I just wasn't an eight year old cow, and was just a bit too fair. I remember it was about this time that my dad told me 'you think too much'. How much is too much? If I want to know what there would be if there wasn't life, that's not really too much. It made me think that certain amounts of thought are no-go areas, for sure.
So when I was asking her about Deluze and Baudrillard, and she just rattled it off, I just started thinking, I want to be that intelligent. I want to think that much. Not poppy musings like this stuff, but proper hard difficult intelligence. But then to make it sensical, you have to be around people where philosophy is its own language. We're communicating about communicating kinda thing. My intelligence has dropped off lately. I would love to be so clever and active and deep and destructive. Powerful. How will I be it? What will I be next? Can I still wear shorts and t-shirts with dirty legs? If I get an internship what the hell will I wear??