Wednesday, 20 May 2009

I'm broken

I am just feeling absolutely numb and my brain has gone through a process of shutting things down, and hibernating. I can't rememeber who I've said what to, what time I'm supposed to be there tomorrow, what room that meeting is in. What does this coffee taste like, I don't know, it's like you're just talking maths to me right now. Things are just making less sense. And I'm not bloody doing it on purpose, it's like I've been drugged. My water is spiked with somthing a tad stronger than agnus castus, which I don't even like.

I have never been here before. I amsomehow finding it difficult to spell?? Scary. I feel drugged and drunk and tired. Not even like 'oh I'm so tired' more like, I am yawning aren't I, I'm sorry it's holding me up I must submit. My worry has shifted round, which is entirely healthy, but I feel I need a diary or a book to go by right now. I need to plan excatly what needs to be done and don't even swerve off it. I think I might also need to write 'brush teeth' in there. I can't honestly think whether I did them thi morning. I must have, but I don't think I did. It's like some undercompensating style of OCD. And it took me a second or three to think of 'OCD' back then, as though I was translating it fom another language.

Urgh I am held up. And I keep doing crappy social mistakes, talking over people ungraciously, forgetting things, repeating myself, froming bad sentences. Not thinking ahead of my speach. Dangerous. I guess if you stopped from communicating for a few months, no speech or writing, you'd come out of it a bit broken, like Jodie Foster in that film, which I can't bloody rememeber of course. Glad I even remembered it was her. Ugh I don't want to to trapped here for too long, aloof is fun for a while but it doesn't fit into real life.

Am excited about the final project, for sure.

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