How to establish one's knowledge and par level within 5 seconds of a conversation. 'It's ok, this is our level, I know, Waitrose Food Illustrated, that you're not on a par with Tesco's magazine, but you don't know that I know, to you I'm nobody who knows nothing, and you to me are the oracle. GRRRRR. I hate ringing people, I HATE it. The balance is so wrong, I don't know what I'm doing, whilst knowing a bit about everything, you know excatly what you're doing whilst knowing little about everything. But whilst we chat and I wait for your wisdom, I am hung on the edge of a crater, holding on, hoping you will grab my hand and lift me out of it. "I;m sorry, I don't understand the question." "That's funny, neither do!" "Why have you rung?" "I don't know, is this not what journalists do??"
Whilst I am glad that only the first part of that conversation was true, I'm sad that the last part is true but unsaid. I feel like such a fraud. The only interview I have done so far that felt ok, was the one with the Buck boy, and this was because we were the same age and had the same references. I baked bread so perhaps I was one up. But every other call has made me feel small and stupid. Stupid and small and hanging onto the edge of a crater. Help me! Grab my hand and say something amazing!
This might well be the sign that journalism isn't my calling, or it may just be beginners nerves. I'm just never normally shit at things. I can normally bluff out through anything. Just didn't think it would wash to gush over Waitrose cream teas or homebaked bread when all that mattered was I didn't know to ask for the 'media pack'. 'I'll send you the media pack', 'ok thanks, WTF is it?'
Finding it hard to write an essay, report, however you may call it, where I'm torn between my own unsubstantiated opinions, and finding words to support these whims. Please say something I can be backed up with! My voice est rien. Nowt. Whim. Who's idea is it if everything I think has to be backed up by someone else's words? Proof. It's a weird shift between academic and journalistic writing, especially when blogs are now acceptable too. I just don't feel quite ready to give up my personality yet.