Recalibration

Not been burning to write fir ages. Been working 4 days a week instead. And getting trains on another two. Life is wooshing by in blocks on Sunday-to-Monday weeks, a blissful day off recharging, resetting, recalibrating in Sunday, then working a group of days throughout the week, fitted in around a trip out of London for a day (two very short nights, night much sleep). It's hard fitting everything in, meaning I'm not so much busy, but various parts of life are jostling for prize of highest importance. Commitments and fancies, needs and wants, doing a barn dance together throughout my week making it a nightmare to plan any time to actually be creative. Surely this bit should just happen?

We were talking yesterday about what you wanted to be when you grew up. I wanted a shop, which I've already (kind of) had twice, one for food and another for jewellery. I do quite fancy having one of those shops up the road, full of items and designers and brands you like, ready to pass on the aesthetic to the public. I also quite fancy being a dancer or a pianist, but the age/10,000 hours thing looms there. I'd quite like to go back to art college (ageless), live on a barge, work in Paris (somehow) but what we settled on was talking about being an air stewardess. Even the men are esses really. It's an act. Oh sometimes I think about being an actor too. Or a playwright, cafe owner, etc etc

Anyway, we were talking about this lifestyle, where your job is your life, everything comes as one beautiful, debauched package, not forsaking one thing for another, but a wholeness where time makes sense in relation to other time. I was saddened the other day when I realised why I'm getting frustrated and time is just going to waste. I'm spending days a work, which I enjoy, but the reality is I have NOTHING to show for it. No product, no production, no deals, no change, no history. The nature of the beast is a chronic day, each time the lights are turned off so the history is reset. Which saddened me, when I think I thrive on production and result. Maybe everyone needs a reward. Or maybe it's like he said, my reward is time. The 3 days a week of freedom, when amazing things are supposed to happen. Which has ever been my frustration something shit for something genius, but now I'm starting to feel strange that I actually also like my job. It's not a fair trade.

I am more than ever pleased to be defined by what I do 4 days a week, but know ultimately I need result for my hard work, to be satisfied. And at some point there has to be a shift in 'what I do most of the time'. These portfolio careers make that difficult. A bit of this, here and there, slot in some social/realtionship life and cinema trips, food shopping and time spent travelling. Weekends? But ultimately I should be doing what I like doing most of the time, getting paid for it, and then hopefully trying to do this school work wouldn't feel so bloody awkward...