Sunday, 7 March 2010

Strength VIII

I'm in a murky pool, but I feel like I'm in the right pool. No livers in sight. I didn't mean that pun. I hardly like it. I'm lazy these days. I'm so tired. I'm boring! I found myself thinking that, after the flat viewing the other night. They didn't pick me immediately (that one's for you, N), and I didn't know what I felt. An email in under 2 hours to say thanks but it's not you. I lay on my floor, my face plain, puzzled and not sure. Hmmm.

Anyway, the theory was, am I bored or just boring? Am I running away from myself, looking for changes which aren't solutions, as actually, the problem is me? Oh, I need a bed frame, oh I need a window, oh I need white walls, oh I need a bag full of Glimma and hat stand. I need these physical things to mould me and my life into shape, please. Er, no. I need to poke myself nakedly and rectify the shit bits. I am wanting change but sick at the thought of it. I feel heavy and stuck and literally heavy and scared by any sparkles of idea of the non-chronic. It really is a mess. I used to be infinitely scared of things being the same forever, and now it's possible, I'm utterly scared to be different!

I have this huge mirror now. A piece of furniture, shelves with a reflector whacked on front. I enjoy gazing into it, seeing my exact room flipped, a world of opportunity in there, if I can just look at things slightly askew, anew from the way I know, maybe my eyes will light up again, believe themselves. I said this today, as I gazed around her room drooling, her objects so enthralling to me. Our possessions sadly become easy bedfellows, mine surviving the beautiful and/or useful test, to sadly meld together as a tapestry of existence and time. Her things were versions of my own, trinkets, momentos, examples, evidence, only mine dulled through habit and familiarity, becoming 2d like those in the mirror.

It's difficult to see overt familiars as refreshed and constantly exciting. I really don't know how to do this. Overcoming boredom, not letting it turn me dull too. Something has to change, and somethings resolutely can't, shouldn't even. These things will hopefully be stretched and sharpened by the effect of change elsewhere. I need to look at myself however painful it may be, see changes are possible and within reach, and make the right ones. Strength VIII. Ok I'll try.

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