Woosh I don't know why but I am spinny again. And I know spinny isn't a word but I seem to be inventing new ones with a complete lack of care, making mistakes in speech that are picked up by others, undetected by me. I seem not to care! I think my head is really processing something I can't see. I am feeling all summer oh nine.
I have been increasingly noticing a detachment between what my eyes are seeing, and how my head feels about this. At work. My eyes are seeing, my mouth is speaking, my brain is sitting on a dirctor's chair leaning back with it's brain nerve trailing out the back, saying, this is it? This is your present! This is dull. I'm sleeping back here, overseeing the section which carries out repetitive tasks conditioned by eighteen months of the same old. You are not even alive right now! You are making as much movement and change as you would be in sleep. We are very bored.
I am getting into a coma at work. I crave change and the new. I have a spring energy and I'm waiting for April. Been up to anything fun lately, he asked, no I said, forgetting the dancing, dinners, dates, chats, books, films. None of these things activities mattered and actively dissolved under my heavy apathy. I was rather disgusted by myself. We pondered on the possibility of a contented apathy yesterday, I didn't think I could have one. I just wanted to run out of the shop screaming, and spent another day making sure I did not do that.
It becomes dangerous to be sitting under such a weight, unable to shift either the cloud, or oneself from under it. I want change, though I don't know what I want. I want be as exciting as Patti Smith! I'm plainly looking at what I can do, what I can shift, as simply and crudely as one of those puzzle games where you slide the tile into the next available space. It really has a lack of care about it too, like binning the off cream without being arsed to wash and recycle the pot. It's a small piece of pointless indulgence. Perhaps thinking of moving is pointless indulgence. Christ everything feels a little pointless right now.
He came in and drank an out of order drink out of order hours. I couldn't converse never mind sparkle, my apathy poisoning me. I resented it even more as he disappeared, again, completely disgusted at this state I've got myself in, again. The more I am hammered down the less enticing I become. I've got the new energy of spring but I'm bored, it occurred to me last night that perhaps I'm not even bored, just boring. I'm still wondering about that. I got so used to this huge checklist of interests and why-you-should-get-to-know-me's, which when it boils down, means nothing if you are not happy with the situation. I'm not happy and the mood has been like this for eight days now.
I just fished out a half-flattened Carr's Water Biscuits box from the bin and put it in the recycling. I'm not dead yet.