Ugh, discontent. I'm not sure why, but I'm messaging (ware)houses on Gumtree. I don't know what I'm looking for, don't know what I'm wanting. I guess I'm feeling stagnant, all-of-a-sudden like things haven't got any movement in them. Potential. She asked me what's the plan, and I really wanted to answer for the first time in a long time. I have a semi career ish looking plan, a four monther, a focus for my money earning and brain churning. The eternal problem. The coming together of the idea and the object.
My room is really pissing me off lately. I don't know why, but all-of-a-sudden, I'm annoyed that it's viewless and airless, and there are all my objects everywhere. I bought a new piece of furniture which operates well and will follow through. I'm thinking about a mezannine bed and a loft window. I'm thinking whether these arbitrary adjustments will do anything other than paste temporarily over a problem. I've got itchy feet.
I was trying to small talk the art types last night, as I said. Every time I look at these people's success shining from them, a dull mirror to my fails. I'm frustrated. What do you do, well I don't do anything! And I live in a warehouse but all I'm doing is chatting and making bread and dancing and making coffee. And I'm rebuilt actually! This me is new! I feel convalesced. Maybe that's the thing, I feel ready to be ejected back into a world which isn't two miles away from anywhere I care to be! Movement.
He was right when he said that I must be careful to change the correct thing. Treat the problem, don't run away from the cause. I wasnt lying when I said I'll always be running. One can't eradicate the past. If I could do the past ten years over, I'd believe myself that crying everyday because college wasn't what I wanted was a real reason for quitting. I'd believe myself and fail right there, learn that it's ok to fail. I'd go home and stay at my parents for the rest of 2003 and then head off to some new horizon that September. I'd graduate with an unknowable honesty in 2006, with a completely different life. I wouldn't be me.
On a more local level, I just want to answer that question of what's the plan. I still secretly want to study art so badly, find this route and track and do and try and maybe fail but not feel cheated at all. It's the only thing that truly makes me burn. I mean it's true now that I'm doing this internship with a potential to it 'leading to something', but I can't lay too heavy on that something, and forsake other things that may be. I can't become certain, then life dulls. These are unknowables for sure. I don't know if I could have ideas and make things and maybe I am too fucked to get anywhere now, but a tiny voice says I should try.
On a practical level, I am not using this warehouse to potential. Life can't hang on a pan hook and breakfast bar. I don't want to use the studio here, I need light and air and a total nest at all if anything was to conjure from this wreckage. If it was. It's all about ifs, my wants pictures of other people's nows. I suddenly realised that all I was paying for here was people, and that made me so sad. People are free and I'm having to pay over the odds. And I hate Hermitage Road. Anyway I'm chatting shit now, making no sense or fun. But I'm enlightened to be thinking about the concept of change. It must be a spring thing.