Beige

Trust me to factor in swimming, and get up an hour earlier after a bad cold night only to find that the Oasis isn't open till 10am. Too late to make work. I love the way I do this, as though going against the stream so much that it becomes counterproductive, and miss the obvious. I like having an extra hour of gift time like this. I am addicted to the knitting again and can finish my (newly-found favourite mug of) tea properly.

I didn't write for a while. I wasn't doing anything. I sat in a reclining leather chair for the best part of three days, knitting and wishing I had some Jay-Z to jar it. I made one and finished another quite dispicable Sunday Painting, looking for some excuse for this self-indulgence, looking for some mastery in this mess. Imagine, being free enough to make a bad painting! I actually completed my bag o pastimes this year, normally not finding the energy or want to do anything, when I have the time. This year, I ate the time, along with an awful lot of beige.

I was quite depressed to be in the Midlands this time. Normally I am upset and mourning the fact that I no longer fit, parts of me wishing I had a boyfriend and a mortgage and designs on a dog. Those parts were itching to get back to London this time. I felt an overwhelming sense that I was keeping my head down, as though not to let the past and its degradation in. The voices, the shapes, the dreams, the projections; I remembered his saying 'you'm not from ere' and felt I never even had been.

Weird. So separate from my past now. Kite string thin. How can this happen? Very odd. I'm not saddened I'm intrigued. Just to recognise that people are separate and free and differences are not a bad thing, just a thing. Eschew the food tastes, the conventions, the views, the hobbies. It did quite break my heart though to be questioned 'what's philosophy, then'.