Thursday, 17 December 2009

Christmas Sandwich

Have you got any other questions for us, they asked eagerly somehow after one and a half hours. Aren't you going to ask me where I see myself in five years time? I mean, I almost nearly, very nearly very nearly verynearly said. Seriously. I was tired and it felt like hours and it was all about me and I nearly dug my own hole. Perhaps I already had. Perhaps they don't want to give me the indignity, I wondered. Perhaps I am already a fool. I certainly felt feeble and starving, this dry face and cracked lips not my own.

But I got through it, some words rang true and felt right, with only one maybe two times of 'shit, this is me in this room, now', and I suddenly feel like I'm outside of myself. Shorts. Watching people, things in slight slow motion, my brain assessing the situation way too objectively for the circumstance of reality. Three against one, and one with a slight clue at that.

Anyway. Singing! I didn't invite anyone as I thought it would be embarrassing and shit, but it turned out neither despite a fail on Ye Banks and Braes. I remembered a lot of words and occasionally did that hearing myself out loud thing, in context this time, going ooh I sound alright. It helped my ego to be stood next to the out-of-tune-alto for a few songs in rehearsal, until I had to shift because they really were putting me off. The audience looked disinterested, the whiskey man took on compere with unmet glee. She bought me a wine in the interval and we made friends, perhaps I will go back in January, I said, fancying a duet.

I hung around and chatted to the quirky soloist and his Guernsey knit, well I should say listened, trying to comb the room for people that might have something interesting to say. I watched a couple of folk virgins watch a woman breastfeeding with glazed eyes, it made me really sad. I ate my gluttonous Pret Christmas sandwich, wanted more out of my evening, wondered about the pub with the irritating birthday girl. I walked to the bus stop. I found the same type of people here that I found in wind band in 1993. Odd ones. I'm there too though.

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