Crap, I just said completely the wrong things because i was feeling so transparent and I was the first to go. I'm pretty aware I probably offended some people and made myself sound completely arrogant and over-arched. I just felt like it at that exact moment, perhaps I was sweaty and hot, worrying about my eyebrows. Perhaps I was just very truthful. I didn't sell myself at all, put on a professional front, I just laughed manically and worried about my eyebrows and watched the steam in my corners and said I didn't have any plans. How are you? Are you sure you want to ask that?
Some people are good and compartmentalising and keeping bits separate, no, personal thought, you know you don't belong here now, now go off and leave the area ok, I am working here. But not me. What are your plans? Well I'm planning that I need to see the osteopath this morning and I'm looking forward to my stomach not sitting on my intestines, I need a pedicure badly so my walk doesn't hurt and I want to get my hand x-rayed. I'm going to fetch my bike tomorrow and take it to the shop for a check over, and hope I can breathe ok, because if my lungs are incapacitated I am just going to cry, on top of everything else. Then, I'm going to quietly get on with my work, typing and ideas fro school, alongside nurturing live ideas and hoping I have some sparks. I'm going to think about my cookbook, which to you sounds nothing, and even if it wakes five years I'm going to really try to come up with a good something new.
I am going to start painting, and finish of my stupid yellow cardigan. I am going to her studio to make my very-long-overdue laptop bag on an industrial machine, alter my size 12 clothes, and have good conversations and ideas about the difficulties of Being Different. I am going to book some train tickets to Chirk, and plan out my summer at work. I am going to continue to chat to those with shared experiences and advice, to keep me on the straight and wobbly, and try and be a bit more together than I have been of late, and not so late. I am going to take a three-pronged attack, and possibily be a little self-destructive, and shave my legs more often. And collet lipsticks.
I am going to spend less time on facebook and internet browsing, and more time connecting with books, which will be hard, but I need to begin to build up this skill. I want to read Malcolm Gladwell's book and go to see Alela Diane in Brighton. I am going to work on Tuesday, the show on Wednesday, the symposium on Thursday, the dogs on Friday, the party on Saturday, the market on Sunday, and then we'll be back to today again. I will keep calm and keep my eyes open, and try to relax the tension in my forehead because it doesn't look attractive. Perhaps I haven't got anything Planned, but perhaps I will just spend the next weeks feeling a little better, and nurturing the opposite of convention, because difference will pull me through.