I gave the woman a twenty pound note and am now sitting in an almost empty first class carriage with vistas speeding past my peripheries. It was probably the best twenty pounds I ever spent, or this week at least. maybe if you don't count last night. You get the feeling that this is closer to the dream than the cramped sweaty masses back there, actually in front there, but I left it so it is also back, kind of.
I sat down to transcribe my interview and my dictaphone battery went dead. I hate stuff like that happening, it says, don't you even be lazy, don't you even forget to bring every possible power source with you on this journey away from shops and cupboards. If you forget one item of power, you will incur pain and cost. You will have to buy a continental plug for 4 times the price it actually costs, because you are buying it in Paris's hip electrical store.
It broke the memory last night. I hadn't been to St Pancras since we went away in January. It seems like a lifetime away. I had a good day at work today, who knows why, perhaps because I ran the ship from the beginning, perhaps because I was in good time, perhaps because I layered on some make up. But not even 15 mins walk away up Bloomsbury my eyes filled up with burning and lack of sleep. Makeup covers the mess, and social sanity covers the other mess. Go back to your bedroom, wash off the makeup, it's just you, and remembering that isn't too nice, still.
It struck me that the timing could not have been worse. A bombshell at the start of a difficult project that was yet to be borne as idea never mind substance. How could it survive? How could it even begin amongst all this mess? It was most inconsiderate, but then things don't happen at the right time in life, the peaks landing on pre-destined peaks, what are the chances? despite everything else in the world, in the months running up to, and including, the 19th of June 2009, you will come to the pinnacle of proving your greatness and ability. That's a lot of pressure.
It's hard to believe in the new when the old just lied to you. How can anything evolve and grow and be when things feel so fragile and unbelievable. I guess you just have to give them a go. I have three hours of my journey left. I am going to write some prose. I don't know what I'm doing and I can't see the outcomes clearly one bit, but if I begin then at least I break down that barrier. There are also biscuits on my table...I'm on a TRAIN!