post humous post

I don't know why but all of a sudden I've started to feel like I have more choices than I could ever picture before. I knew I was free, but I never felt it. The universe was tying me down, holding me down, strapped. I crawled underneath a low laid cargo net scratching my hair and my knees, my palms pacing. This is your limit it said, this is as high as you can ever go, not even standing, scrabbling along under this level of lowness.

We were talking about the year that shaped you, the year that things happened that years later, you stand back from and feel affinity with, still feel excited by. I felt excited about 1988, when I realised there were other beings than myself, other places that home, and respect, humour and cleverness existed. I sat back and felt proud that now was one of those years. A negative at the time, but if you push through it, shove it along, the shit falls over the edge and you emerge running. Hopefully.

I had a complete meltdown yesterday. I started to feel sick, my stomach churned and I was sure it wasn't the bean soup with excess coriander, or too many almond croissant corners. It wasn't butterflies it wasn't driving test, it wasn't period it wasn't exams. It was sick to my stomach. I burst after serving him, the compassion generated in under a minute drove me to sadness as the rich man asked me for Colombia Dark, I turned round and my eyes were filled. I turned round and swallowed it, walked calmly down the stairs and burst. The sickness went and I ate apple pie. Weak and crumbled, but space for anew.

I was worried a few months ago that any extreme emotion I ever felt would drive me to tears. Sadness equals tears, immense realisation equals tears. I would suddenly see the world alight and cry, it glowed and I couldn't believe it. I am starting to realise the glowing world is not a priviledge, but a right. I am fortunate enough to not know true suffering, and I must spread the level of compassion I yearn for. I think people can see it. They see a glimmer in your eyes if you are believing in the world.

(5th September 00:18)