Saturday, 12 September 2009

Extremely exhausted

I have just finished my dinner, and I'm not satisfied. I have been eating monstrously for over a week, waiting for the hormones to kick in and sort out, and I'm still waiting. Nothing is enough. I can eat veggies, I want chocolate. I can drink juice, I want cake. The body is knotted as it waits, we're waiting, getting fatter day by day on swollen stomach and excess consumption. Right now I have just eaten a dinner of (soya) peas and carrots stir fry, it was good, but something is still missing.

Stress arms are back. Heavy tenseness. Today was hard. I was so insanely bored, having many of those 'shit, this is me, in my life, now' moments. They drive me nuts. It was just this waiting for something to do. I looked at the clock at 12.30 yesterday, 6 hours to go, and I didn't even want to sob, I just wanted to wail like a banshee. I had a slight 'this isn't what it's all about, right', moment today. Like I saw myself decaying and wanted more.

I had a conversation with The Voice today. It made me 2 minutes late off my break. I am loving people. Imagine, me, loving people. I love it when people show me how amazing things can be, it's like I feed off their energy and drive, I just bathe in it. He emphatically said studying fine art was the best time in his life, I stared at his shoes a few times and believed him. They didn't really match his outfit, a reddish tone to the yellowish tweed, but in that way they did match. I wondered when would be my most exciting time?

I believed it when I said I was using the next months to sort myself and try and get things moving. I'm worrying I won't have ideas, I said. He told me to think of one a day, If you don't actively pursue them, how can you expect them to come? I think I put pressure on them, these Genius Moments, set them apart from life and made them impossible. What would happen if I had an idea, right NOW? The worrying thing is that I am out of practice, but this shouldn't stop me from trying. Good luck with the creative process, he wished me. And it didn't seem so outrageous.

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