Monday, 21 September 2009


I'm sitting down to apply for this internship, and there's a pixie sitting on my shoulder going, why are you bothering, really, I mean come on, it's not going to happen, so why. Think of all the other things, all the other things, where you've typed yourself into a self pitying hole, dodging the gap between modesty and radical difference, trying to paste yourself into a place where only you will do, when you don't quite believe it, and being too different will ensure a fail.

It's that old gap between being different and special enough to get chosen in the first place, and being subtle and cool enough to fit in with that which already exists. I don't know why applying for stuff fills me with such dread. I suppose my lack of confidence plays down any positive attributes. I am jealous of them. I am jealous of people getting on, doing things, me watching from the sidelines as everything whizzes past, confused, my head whirring and looking for explanation, how did I get here? How did I land up on the side of the road, watching the race?

Actually, this morning, I suddenly thought, don't be so hard on yourself. You know, the way things went, you really were just car crash fodder. You left a degree with no training, no answers, not even the beginning of questions. You it difficult fighting for art admin jobs below you, concurrently losing skills for said jobs as the years went on. It's been 4 years and I haven't done anything. I am amazing at customer service. I can cater for 40. But, apart from that, I let everything else slide. I haven't played the flute for nine years. I haven't made any art in five years. Things that were strings are now just souvenirs.

At the same time, I must be careful not to dismiss things I do know. I do have a knowledge basis, it just is very stale and rusty. I should dust it off, and I intend to, but sometimes I feel so fallen that I just can't see over the wall. It's dusty and chalky and smooth and there are no holds and I cannot get up there, no way. There are lights, but they only come at good times. I don't want to send this application off half heartedly, so I'll leave it now. I need to just wade through this stupid half time and know that it isn't too far between here and there. And I am very prepared for the effort invloved.

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