Saturday, 4 July 2009


Ugh trying to break the extended apathy. Ugh. I have not written anything for almost a week, and I'm just not feeling sparky word-wise. Maybe that's a good thing, not consciously thinking about failing and amazing, two opposite ends. Just doing, just making real, product, rather then tapping into something other. Have I got the ingredients? If I have, it should be easy to make. If I haven't I need to nip out to get them, record some people saying some shit and just get this thing god damn finished.

Ugh I may have just decided to give up. Stalking goes two ways but I guess she's too busy for me. Who the fuck am I, what am I doing, why has this happened, how did the last hour disappear in a blur of soap opera, this can't be real? It is real, it's on the fucking internet. What are you going to do about it? What about decide what really matters and use this fizz in your veins? Try and be amazing no? Up down, round again, down and up, why? Do it in the real world though hey, if it even exists anymore. Go out and find it? These frigging frigging signs. I don't like who I am. There are sparks of an amazing being but I'm so uncommitted and nonbelievable I don't know who I am anymore.

I can't be glamorous. I'm from the West Midlands. There's no transatlantic/transpacific nothing there. I'm just HERE. I really think this comfort is keeping me so. It's comfort and not feral and not exciting, not working to eat or sleep, it's a cossetted world of form-filling and A grades and objects and class changes and misfires. I thought my axis changed and I made sense, now all I pine for is my originality, a soul, my heart, who am I now? And what makes me amazing?

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