After today's lecture I just felt completely like I was in the wrong place. I don't like fashion, I don't like trends, I don't like the internet, and I'm doomed. I can't do the stupid trend photos because I frigging hate trends. I like nice things, good colours, well made objects, and I like people who like these things. I do not like Grazia. So I took a few photos of people who didn't look too good, watched a courier wearing fluoro trousers for about 4 minutes, spotted a girl wearing the Comptoir des Cotonniers dress. Then I went to B Store for some solace and to assure myself that I Still Like Nice Things. Phew, thank god, I do. Then I found the shop Albam on Beak Street, with its lovely Arthur Beale esque angle and shelves of Monocle magazine and thought, phew, I DO like things. But then it set in that it's not enough to like things, I actually have to say and do something new.
I spotted some cards in the graphics centre, made in the style of paint swatch cards. It made me think about the striped shopping bags, and the things I made at uni, and how I was kind of on the edge of making something important. I was sensing trends when I made that work in 2002, before Pantone Mugs and I'm not Plastic bags. It made me feel like I'm not on the crest of anything right now, and that felt sad really. Like when I thought 3 years ago, wouldn't it be cool to take photographs of what I wear everyday, if I look good, and do something with these delicious images, but by this time blogs were already in bud and I was already too late. That feels rubbish. And now I feel like I'm not on the edge of something new, I'm not even in the sea, I'm just sitting on the beach and haven't got wet one bit.
I guess I am just finding my feet. If someone told me this time last year I'd be working somewhere like Monmouth, learning about the world of lifestyle journalism, with a wealth of friends and an open mind, it would've been unbelievable. The difference is vast. I do need to adjust. And I shouldn't be scolding myself for not being a driving force in a world I only entered six months ago. It's a big place this. The speed is UP. And I'm having IDEAS. Last week, the having of the ideas carried me through, the ideas themselves hardly mattered! I was so pleased! But this week I've been dealt a heaviness from not acting on the ideas. They have lain dormant, and gotten heavy.
I had a bit of a Hustle moment on the river last night. So cheesy, but the sight of Big Ben through the London Eye is just like, shut up and get on with it. Look where you are and get rid of that frigging heaviness and just get on with things. Focus on things, bring things into line, have dreams and ideas and act on them. I'm looking forward to the lessons finishing, using time to get into my head about things. It will be really good to just get into things, and make plans and reevaluations. The course will be over before I know it. I wonder what will happen next.