I have gone cold turkey, and feel slightly crazy. I've got a kitchen table full of correct merchandise and a cupboard FULL of bottled additions. It feels a bit wrong, I feel obsessive, I had to hide my taking of five pills under the table in Leon yesterday. It wasn't something to be paraded. I don't want to feel like a health crank, when all I'm doing is grabbing what feels like the last in a long line of chances. "What are you doing it for?" If you can't tell by looking at me, I shalln't say. But the point is, I felt like a crank filling my table with rice, rice cakes, rice noodles and rye bread, but it's just a different pattern of behavior. If I filled my table with Mini Cheddars, Scotch Pancakes, Weeto's and microwave chips (typical choices of me as a teenager) it would look equally as sick. It just belongs to another way of choosing. Like when she just didn't get how the British think crisps are a 'treat', when Swedish people think they're fucking gross.
Being aware of what you're body is and does in interesting, but shouldn't get obsessive. We should always have better things to do. I decided that diets have become a hobby, people are so bored with their lives, that they actually enjoy working something out in the ad breaks. Even I did WeightWatchers (yes, lost the ten uni pounds!), sadly working out stuff like if you don't have a potato with dinner you can have a Mars bar with a cup of tea when Sex & the City's on later. Makes me feel gross just thinking of it. But then I was just grabbing at what I knew, trying to make patterns and stability out of something, when leaving home for the first time.
Anyway. I've been putting of writing for some time. The process feels like a train with the engine at the front, the engine being all this mindblowing input and new ways of doing things. The process being the carriages which are just being pulled along by the overload of learning and newness. What I need to do is put the engine at the back, so the theory just pushes the content along. It's been difficult. Things have become too conscious and loaded. I can't even blog without worrying about it being MEANINGFUL and GOOD. Also I am very tired. The juggling is difficult. I don't know how it will pan out, but the geography is not conducive to productivity. It stunts things. Every time I go to Liverpool it's a holiday. And I don't have time for them right now. Though it feels excellent to have them booked and sorted.
I just bought 2 more magazines. I have got a lot. But sitting in an overflowed bath of all the magazines and their existence is good, because they are less hallowed things, more flimsy commodities. Makes it easier to imagine oneself being part of them. Over the past weeks I've realised the way things work. Like when that toilet roll story came out last week, I've seen it roll into the features section. I'm picking out the news that people are transforming into the muse of a lite piece. I'm seeing the cogs. But I'm not actually doing ti myself. What is hard, is that I'm not part of the machine yet, so I'm on the ideas conveyor belt (see me, having IDEAS, shit!)but not yet doing them so I'm just stuck. It's frustrating! But again, the only way forward is to DO. Stop thinking as much. Be in it, do it, live. That old advice Sol LeWitt gave to Eva Hesse.
You seem as always, and being you, hate every minute of it. Don't! Learn to say "Fuck You" to the world once in a while. You have every right to. Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder, wandering, doubting, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, gasping, confusing, itching, scratching, mumbling, bumbling, grumbling, humbling, stumbling, rumbling, rambling, gambling, tumbling, scumbling, scrambling, hitching, hatching, bitching, moaning, groaning, honing, boning, horse-shitting, hair-splitting, nit-picking, piss-trickling, nose sticking, ass-gouging, eyeball-poking, finger-poking, alleyway-sneaking, long waiting, small stepping, evil-eying, back-scratching, searching, perching, besmirching, grinding grinding grindingaway at yourself. Stop it and just DO.
...Don't worry about cool, make your own uncool. Make your own, your own world... You must practice being stupid, dumb, unthinking, empty. Then you will be able to DO! I have much confidence in you and even though you are tormenting yourself, the work you do is very good. Try to do some BAD work. The worst you can think of and see what happens but mainly relax and let everything go to hell.