Yes, I've found that a large proportion of today was spent just thinking like this:
The tutor is mean, my new friends are nice, I could could do the course and have fun and do my 'start again' that I was looking for, but there's starting again and trying to go back to some point in the past, what context do you want to start again in, I don't know, how am I supposed to know what I want, I want it fucking all, the journalism course is big and scary, but yes isn't that what you want, I don't know is it, well do you want to piss about with some fun girls for a year or get under your own skin, I don't know, why not, I don't know, stop saying that, I can't help it, to and fro and wishing if I could just think of everything on a level for just one moment then maybe things would unravel and reveal instead of always just being such polar opposites of painful decision.
One minute I want to make a choice, the next I want to float. I want to belong and be validated and point in one (or two) directions, ie imagine applying oneself to writing and getting somewhere with it? Imagine building on something I already do and making it into this reality, not just a blog but... That would feel good. But then, doubt sets in, and I start thinking 'but I'm not sure I want to BE a journalist'. And I know I don't have to be defined, but by taking on such a high level course I would be devoting myself to it and the idea of it. I just got kind of agitated thinking about doing an internship for a magazine, it's just not as portfolio is it, it's putting all energy into one thing.
Which is why I chose the course, it would be diverse snippets of information. Maybe I should just breeze (would that be viable now?) through 'contextual studies' and website building class, have fun, open up, be lite. No? THEN...oh but I don't want to make shitty pictures, have to write about an exhibition in no context at all, DRAW (bloody hell), stick things in a learning journal to prove I'm thinking or whatever. I could come off as an arsehole and piss myself off even more.
I don't even like fashion. I don't like Top Shop and Alexa Chung and expensive handbags. And in fact I don't like the majority of things. I don't like a lot more than I like. But when I like things it's serious. It's also fun.
Now. What do you want to do? How long will it take to work out, and how can you work through it sensibly, and interestingly, and make your way? The main thing is, sitting there internalising it all does nothing, apart from self-tap.
Enough of that, I'm sleeping in a sleeping bag tonight. On my bed. The moths are going through an eradication process, and seeing as three fell out of my spare bed sheet I didn't want to bother with it. It's going to be hot in there. I don't want this problem it is chronic and chronic is the WORST.
Event of the day, fish and chips at Wetherspoons on me sen (by my self) for £3.20. Astonishing value. Hammersmith is weird though. Always a warm feeling from Wether, it's like, wherever you are in the country, things are always just as shit. That £3.20 does fluctuate.