Monday, 15 September 2008

If all the layers peeled away then you'd only be left with yourself

It's getting harder to calm down and think clearly and separate from all the wealth of opportunities. Instead of choosing from a reduced green mush at the bottom of a rusty couldren, I feel like I'm picking candy floss out of a big clear hot air balloon of a bag. In Liverpool I felt like I was scraping around this shitty pile, getting my nails dirty just looking for something, and in London, well it seems you just ring them, they answer, and you and your hair better be ready as they want to meet you this afternoon.

How are you supposed to know what you want? How am I supposed to DEAL with having a choice?? Not even A choice, but CHOICES. About 3 at the moment, and if I keep looking, more.

So I'm getting a bit upset with having a choice, which sounds ridiculous but is real and honest, and a completely viable way to feel. I think I just must calm down and be clear and honest with myself, and things do show themselves.

I was just looking on the LCF site about the different enrollment days. I saw that tailoring was tomorrow, and thought 'maybe I'll just roll up (again) and join that one instead'. The truth is probably whichever course I had chosen, I'd be slightly pining after the other in this interim period between new and old life.

On top of the confusion, I have the very grown up problem of a moth infestation. It should probably be expected with the fact that the clothes live in the airing cupboard, which is where the moths live. Kind of cute little smooth things, but 3 flying out when you open the door? I was a bit sad, but kind of pleased with myself, as moths are a sign of expensive clothes. They're not even that expensive, but there's no Top Shop in there, ad perhaps that should be alongside lavender, cloves, ceder and moth balls on the repellent list.

It's a grown up problem, but I shouldn't have to deal with it. Neither should I have o buy mousetraps. It was probably my own fault that I didn't think airing cupboard-moths. I wonder if insurance covers moth eaten clothes, that would be excellent.

I'm going to look at these jobs for a bit again. I just need to relax into the choice, feel grateful for having it, but don't cry about it. I know know to listen when something's not right.

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