Thursday, 5 November 2009

Wondering wondering whether he's remembering remembering the fifth of November?

A cloud. A sad cloud coming round, hovering all day, as a marker that swallows itself up from projection to reality, and I'm going to wake up in the morning and still be alive, and probably not even dreaming about it at all. Ah heaviness in my chest! Literal and not. Non-iversary, in minus years and imaginary. Weird marker.

I'm tired. Today was hard but I didn't get a chest infection which is excellent news! I am getting stronger. I toyed with the idea of getting a prescription all day, but preferred to try and become resistant and not dependent on drugs, and if all else fails there might be a cute paramedic this time, and no passed-out oaf.

I didn't go speed record dating. Instead I made a lentil and apricot soup and pittas from scratch. Yeast is amazing. I do have yeast burps and hope the old block of smelly stuff didn't nurture any unwanted friends. Maybe I will wake up in a rash that I have to call in sick for! I had two good food days, lunch was a put together chicken watercress salad, and I super enjoyed the dinner last night. I put almonds and molasses sugar in the crumble and it worked a treat. I also went a bit off piste with my soup, adding whole cumin seeds and potatoes and tinned tomatoes. I love it when stuff fits.

Hmmm. Heaviness. Again a diary filling with dancing days and train trips, but as for ambitions and someone to share them with, hmmm. It all looks so black and white right now. We're in the same world, but it slipped and he fell and I'm still here and he's not there, and oh, who is going to be there? Is there a replacement? Did I fail my one chance, kind of by mistake, without even trying? How hard can things be, should they be? I guess I'm saying that I'm taking the whole day with a lightness I didn't foresee, truely seeing the fragility and hilarity in the whole game of being.

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