Thursday, 12 November 2009

Not Christmas cakes

I peeled off my shirt constrictingly, "Roaccutane" he snapped within seconds. Great. I watched him spell out my names in doctor capitals and made him evil, playing into the science hand. I mentioned something unconvincing about herbal remedies and he told me someone out there must say cornflakes cure it. I hated him. I fucking hated him. I tried not to cry, what's your name, I scolded, as though I wanted to report him to the hippy medicine council, don't you know it's not only your way, you know, don't you...?

So it started badly. I queued next to the pregnant women and changed my mind about the scan as I was about to take a ticket. I went to the pharmacy for more information and a dishy kind pharmacist gave me some, who knows if I'd have said yes if he was sharp. I felt lighter. All I wanted was the information, not some cynical snappy fuck who thinks the world revolves around them and their truths. Come on. I left with four boxes of remedy, maybe.

I have wanted to go to Le Pain Quotidien for ages, and I wasn't disappointed if a little ripped off. Expensive, that Daily Bread. Nice though, nice crunchy barley flakes on a raisin loaf, covered in praline spread, and a bowl of cafe au lait, completely indulgent and lovely. And a good book. I felt peaceful. I'm glad I decided to find the Heath. When I feel shit, birds make me happy. When I feel happy, birds make me ridiculous. I love kicking autumn leaves. An indulgent view of town, excited by the train station, geek.

Hampstead is Britflick perfect, Dalston at a distance now, felt like Berlin. I saw the edge for what it was, the loveliness too. I'm glad I don't live there anymore. I nearly passed out in Sainsbury's but my tendencies made me put all my shopping back, in reverse, before I escaped crazy. I was taken aback by how messy and exhausted I was, dropping bags and bits all over the place, scrambling for my travel card, a drycleaning ticket, a cheque. I ate soup on a bench and felt on stage. I don't know what to do with my weekend. A birthday here and there. An art thing here and there. People here and there. I want to dance till 4am but I can't see the energy happening. I will see how work goes tomorrow. I am my own expert, listen.

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