I invented a verb today - v. spin out; to become slightly detached from the world, a feeling of unraveling, a peeling of facade to reveal reality, inducing panic, mild hysteria, depression, weariness and exhaustion. I invented it, and I want to put it in the dictionary. It makes me feel better to label this moment of 'shit, this is me in the world, now, going wrong. And it's ok, because I've noticed it, and now I recognise it apart from itself, so I feel safe.
I said a weird thing today, about his problems being universal. I don't know if it meant something or nothing, or if I even meant it. I would love to be intelligent enough to support my thoughts sometimes. I spent a time asking people to give me facts, realising I didn't have any to offer, my brain being so current and fuzzy and now, it can't be of any other use. What really did help today was people. When one is spinning, it makes sense to grab hold of someone. it's not personal, it's human. It's, share my experiences, make me feel like I'm not alone. One of the internet's plus points I'd say; you got a problem? Well so does the frigging rest of the world.
It really helped to talk it out with him, and I enjoyed his enquiry. At first defensive, I slowly peeled back my guard and told things I wasn't sure I believe in or against. I tested the thoughts out loud. I miss her, she was so helpfully selfless. I unburdened myself today by candidly sharing my woe, trying to concentrate on it's transience, and my beauty. He looked hot today. I didn't venture. I didn't need it. I was focused and calm, and trying to repair. It helps to talk it out with a distance, those too close can empathise too much, and this can sometimes be counterproductive.
I knew passive aggressive had a harder meaning that just 'do the dishes' nasty notes. I'm pleased that's what it meant, and I guess he was completely unaware of his actions. I guess I thought a lot of him today, and perhaps I was just wanting to finalise this chapter by indulging my pain. Yet another customer looked like her today, and we scrutinised each other with mismatched intentions. The past will catch up with my present, yet again and again, and I shouldn't be fearful of my pain. I should ride the beauty out and bask in the knock-on attention. And Heather, if you're there, please pop into the shop soon and pay with a card so I know it's you and I might accidentally throw a long black in your face. Forget the passive I'll just go aggressive.