Chemin

Tell me, what is it you plan to do / with your one wild and precious life? Cripes I do not know! I wish wish wish I knew! I always think of this quotation, I looked in the mirror at the 30s German party, admiring my smooth hair and frankly beautifully darkened eyes. Asked myself, what do you want? What do you want, look at your eyes, what is it you want?? I was only slightly lucid, there was no answer in that mirror.

I think I honestly like too many things. I am equally fired by cooking an immense 4 hour 2 course meal for 6, as I am eating mash out of a bowl with garlic mayo past midnight. I am as excited about Homework tomorrow night as I am about ballet on Thursday, as I am about dancing Saturday, as I am about The Approach Sunday. I am as edgy about writing a new sentence as I am about making a new mark, as thrilled by a new colour-fabric combo from the gods as visiting cookshops and dripping over the financier tins and Mason Cash batter jugs.

I have flitted a fair bit since I moved to London. I have been like an overexcited child, one moment studying writing and making things for Shona, doing duty to most excellent coffee and answering phones and bigger things at the School. Now I am working three days in order to 'write', whatever that may be, or whatever else it could be. I'm going out a lot. I'm having the fun of a 21 year old under the weight of (almost) twenty eight shoulders. I'm trying to live a dual existence, one which concurrently erases and undermines, and trusts and builds on my histories. In short, I'm all over the shop.

I'm too tired for resolutions or interesting words here, apologies, I just ran out of pen ink and needed to out. All I believe, is that a conversation in reality can eke out things I've not even realised I thought yet, so I am looking forward to meeting with him tomorrow, in whatever context. All I know, is that in light of a potential change, today wooshed by as quick as hell. Efficency came as a byproduct of lightness, an excitment that things might change, things need to change. Sadly, they do. Leave the party whilst it's still good, get your haircut when it suddenly looks ok, ish. You know change is whipped up in the wings and denying it is a very wrong thing.