Friday, 9 April 2010

Later, not striving

I enjoyed work today. Despite making a bit of a twat of myself within the first 15 minutes. Double ristretto macchiato in ceramic? Fuck I've forgotten your usual after a year and a half. Nice red bag, I said, but oh, I don't fucking know you, and I just sound like a lunatic now, and I'm all hot, but I'm not hot for you, not anymore, it's just I've been battling the condensation to not look like I've never cleaned a window before at 7.30am. Shit now he's talking to me like I'm trying to make a conversation and be cute, but I just daydreamed out of the building and slipped up, like when I charged Colin Farell for the 2000 pain au chocolates just cause I'm an idiot, and he's all flattered by my apparent celebrity mistake which just wast at all!

Apart from that, I just felt immensely calm, collected and focused today. Like I knew where the money was and where I was heading. I know what I'm doing here, but I know it's not the only thing I'm doing here. From now on, if you start talking to me as a stranger, I'm gonna have something new to say for the first time in almost a year, and doesn't that feel pretty great. Yes. Something that isn't tinged with pity or sadness or injustice or confusion or want, but something that might go forward into something else. And simply by talking now we are thinking things neither of us has ever thought before. Onwards.

Fate had me again today, with two minutes to spare. It's boring now actually, I don't think you can have an immovable crush on someone for four months and expect a good result. I see this guy daily and nothing is ever going to happen because he either doesn't have any interest in me or is plainly nervous, and the fact that I don't know which of those things it is is bad for a start. He seems to try and leave the building as quickly as possible after I try to chat. I'm not up for things being this hard. I'm not an idiot, and at coming up to twenty eight, I don't want the formation of my relationships to be based on asking a girl seven years younger than me whether her mate fancies me. It's got to get a bit better than that, surely.

It's kind of fun. It didn't cloud my day if I'm honest. Fully enjoying these 2-for-1 days now the light carries on, to be able to see a show after work twice in one week feels pretty successful actually. My mind is on and open, in a way I have not felt for such a very long time. I'm sure the dancing helped. Even if the 2 types did make me more postmodern than I feel comfortable with. And I'm thinking I might like to start some sort of art blog. Not dry reviews, but generous personality slanted art thoughts. And I think they'd be pretty uninformed to begin with, but it may set something in motion, because this blog certainly has. Maybe I agree with him that I am intelligent, I cant imagine people thinking of me that way. I wondered what he meant by intelligent? I meant books and ideas. I wonder what he meant. 2010 is my quest.


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